You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
