So drunk its hurt
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
