There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
