I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
