thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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