Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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