she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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