My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
