READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is Oprah even human
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
