Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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