I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
