I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
