My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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