I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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