I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
me + whiskey = a bad person
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
