rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
