So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
