I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
