Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
