I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
