Kiss
Puke
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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