ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
