he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
