my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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