my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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