I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
