Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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