it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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