Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
