I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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