Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
