Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I met the friendliest cop last night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
