new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
