I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
