When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just gift wrapped bread.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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