I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
