I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
