Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
