I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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