We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
