I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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