At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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