If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
