when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
