the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
