i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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