did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
