im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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