Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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