youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
